A Mom’s Journey Back to Self…

Why is it that I insist on doing it all!? If a full-time business development professional in a bank brokerage firm with annual $80M targets is not stressful enough, I run every day (literally run, like with running shoes!) to pick up my 6 year old stepson at school, make supper (from scratch because I am also health conscious), do homework, prepare for bedtime and that would start over again tomorrow.

Let’s not forget shopping for clothes, school stuff, groceries, etc etc etc. So where is hubby, Kevin??? Considering he’s a lawyer, he always ensured he was home by supper, most of the time. He’s tries to help but I denied it because he can’t. He just doesn’t “do it right” so it’s easier just to do it all myself. I’m tired, tired beyond belief. Gotta do housework, laundry, homework. OMG… how am I ever going to get through this week!

I was exhausted but hey, suck it up buttercup. Nothing stops me from achieving anything I want to succeed in. I started getting short with Kevin where it was like he just couldn’t do or say anything right. I would snap even when he tried to help. Then the sex… what sex? This is where the buck stops because when physical intimacy is affected, I instinctively knew it could lead to the beginning of the end. But what are we to do. I am too far down the rabbit hole of victimhood and I am dehydrated from living on an “empty glass”. That’s when my world had to implode for me to wake up from the over-achiever’s addictive fog.

This is how I operated for about 3 years before Kevin dared to ask me the game-changing question “Tell me EXACTLY what you need me to do to make you happy”. Wow, how a simple question became the most difficult one in my life to answer. The brunt of my frustrations and fatigue went lashing out in anger towards him while my stepson was protected by true feelings. Nothing he did was good enough. The world in my head was spiralling down as I realized I was no longer able to find the joy in my daily life. When did it happen? When did I become a robot?? There is no sexy in a robot.

I had no choice but to make a BIG change! It’s not changing what I’m doing as much as how I was thinking, my mindset. So, the trillion-dollar question “what will make me happy?”. The true question actually is “Who the heck am I??”.

I thought I had it all figured out before I had a family, when I was single and the only person to look after was me. Single Susan had a vibrant social life while living the high life of a successful career in Asia. I travelled and met lots of new people all the time. I was free. I did what I chose whenever I wanted. I was a shopaholic, draping in brand names and high heels, never owning a pair of running shoes.

So there I was, in my thirties, married to a wonderful man and a small child who recently endured divorce. At 32 years old, I was ready. I was ready to give all my strength and love to my new family and most of all, to empower my new stepson to be everything he deserves to be. My intentions were pure but my execution was a fail. I became obsessed with being a perfect mom and wife that I stopped thinking about ME.

So, when hubby asked that question, I thought long and hard and realized I had no social life. Connecting with people is who I am and for three years, that was almost non-existent- bad decision! I made a conscious decision to connect with one person in the schoolyard and from there, I met many more moms. I created social groups and organized play dates. Our friendships became more important than kids getting together haha! We started using the kids as excuses to get together.

I had to find my new “self”. I am a wife, a stepmom and that I will never change, however, I am also someone who loves being with people and socializing, loves fitness, loves dancing/music and darn it all, I love my food and wine! There is nothing wrong with leaving the kids with our hubby and going on a road trip with girlfriends! When was the last time I dressed up, put makeup on and felt sexy?? I no longer “needed” to wear make-up but I do love glamming myself up. This is ME, all of me. I cannot be judged because I no longer judge myself. Someone recently described me as “A Zen B*TCH in Yoga Pants” and you know what? Yes, I am. I love it and I own it - UNAPOLOGETICALLY!